Poem: Afraid of falling

Sometimes I had reprieve

the illusion of romance

lovers shelter like kind trees.

My boyfriends were intrigued

with my lone wolf persona

it made them chase after

my independence as if

love was an obstacle course.

They’d try to disarm the hurdles

of my nonchalance the fact that

I didn’t need them made them desire

my ice and fire, when I was younger

I simultaneously wanted and was afraid

of the trap door of love, afraid of falling

deeply inconsolably devastated.

I honestly thought they’d leave

if they believed that they’d won my heart

so I’d put on a high maintenance show

to see if they’d go, out of frustration

the ones who loved me the most

held on until finally they lost hope.

When they let go, that’s when my heart opened

to them too late, self-sabotage prophecy fate

I thought that everyone I loved

would eventually leave me in tears

like my family did when I was abandoned

as a baby, then again as a toddler.

It affects your sense of trust

which dissolves into dust,

the pretend tough attitude of ‘I don’t care

I don’t need you, you can never hurt me’

those self-protections form the armor

that no one can penetrate

and love becomes a game, a trick, a prison.

Now I’m softer, older, wiser,

my edge is gone

and so are all my lovers.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. equipsblog says:

    Sad and fascinating insight into the vagaries of the human heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, love has become so complicated.

      Liked by 1 person

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