Sometimes I had reprieve
the illusion of romance
lovers shelter like kind trees.
My boyfriends were intrigued
with my lone wolf persona
it made them chase after
my independence as if
love was an obstacle course.
They’d try to disarm the hurdles
of my nonchalance the fact that
I didn’t need them made them desire
my ice and fire, when I was younger
I simultaneously wanted and was afraid
of the trap door of love, afraid of falling
deeply inconsolably devastated.
I honestly thought they’d leave
if they believed that they’d won my heart
so I’d put on a high maintenance show
to see if they’d go, out of frustration
the ones who loved me the most
held on until finally they lost hope.
When they let go, that’s when my heart opened
to them too late, self-sabotage prophecy fate
I thought that everyone I loved
would eventually leave me in tears
like my family did when I was abandoned
as a baby, then again as a toddler.
It affects your sense of trust
which dissolves into dust,
the pretend tough attitude of ‘I don’t care
I don’t need you, you can never hurt me’
those self-protections form the armor
that no one can penetrate
and love becomes a game, a trick, a prison.
Now I’m softer, older, wiser,
my edge is gone
and so are all my lovers.