Epic Poem: With Good Intentions

Tired of the same regrets.

My bullshit compass

points straight to hell

with good intentions.

If only I could explain

transform my faults

right myself today,

now

not stumble in slow motion

aeons of lifetimes away.

Both my hurt parents were critical

both of them abused

to the point of deranged.

That’s the legacy of grief

like a scar like a stain

I have to carry and transcend it

not pass it on like a heritage bullet

aimed my innocent, oblivious son.

But I feel no relief in sight

no inner peace at One.

I feel old in my ways

in a perpetual sadness daze.

Trying to cover it up with band-aids:

Carousels

Bumper cars

Roller coaster nostalgia

as if I have to buy his love

as if I don’t deserve love.

The one rare time my lonely parents

took us three kids on vacation

We were aged: 14, 12 and 6

(I was the youngest)

we went to King’s Dominion

an Amusement Park in Virginia.

We drove all the way over

from faraway Maryland

in the big white 70’s van.

It was the 4th of July

my older sister and I

hugged Scooby Doo in costume

as if he was a celebrity

as if he was real.

We watched fireworks’ glad burst

sparkling the night sky

with comet fairies gliding wide

just as we were leaving.

It was magic I held

in my mind’s sense of forever.

Now I take my son every year

to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.

Spend my credit cards like a gambler

on ocean themed tourist souvenirs,

rides and carnival prizes.

I live to see his nine year old smile

hop skip happily without a care.

But suddenly I scold him over nothing real

shadows of memories of mirages

with comparisons of how easy

his safe life is,

over my demolished childhood

as if it were his fault

to have a damaged mother like me

I lecture him with tragic legacy.

Hell is what we allow

here in would be heaven.

Tears stream rivers instead of laughter.

It seems I don’t know how

to be a good or normal person.

All I do is complain

I feel empty inside with blame

pointlessly angry at Life

for the fucked up riddle game

all the troubles and miracles renamed.

My heart hurts with the kind of sorrow

that’s born from future regret

What’s next?

How can I heal this in time

to make impossible things

turn out right

How can I heal this blight.

Merlin make me a fish

So I can adventure and learn

and return healed

Merlin make me see

by living in another guise

So I can appreciate the gifts

I already have, not focus on the lies

and like Dorothy lost in Oz

I can wish myself whole

and home again

with new, wise eyes.

15 Comments Add yours

  1. equipsblog says:

    Very powerful. Good with your efforts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hope you find that wholeness some day, July ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Rosaliene❤️

      Like

  3. Keep loving and let the tears flow like the tide. Let the trauma and pain wash out and the ever present moon will carry you back to firm s

    Liked by 2 people

  4. …shore when you and she are united in peaceful harmony. Hang in there my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your compassionate and poetic comment❤️, I’m feeling better since writing the poem. Writing is my blessing of cathartic relief. I really appreciate your support❤️

      Like

  5. syl65 says:

    Thank you for sharing and I do hope you find peace within and wholeness.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Syl for your good wishes. It’s my lifetime goal to heal the disquiet within me, by making peace with the past and continually evolving toward love regardless of the circumstances.

      Like

      1. syl65 says:

        You’re welcome, Judy. It sounds like a lifetime evolutionary journey. I believe that the more we embrace ourselves and also leave ourselves open to growth, we will continue to evolve. You take good care.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree Syl, thanks and you too🙂

        Like

      3. syl65 says:

        You’re welcome 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Jeff Cann says:

    With your awareness and introspection, one chain of abuse is broken. You’re doing your part, which is all each of us can do.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Jeff for your kind and thoughtful insight. Sometimes my ideas of perfect parenthood get to me and bring up my past but I like your reminder that we’re all doing our part when we have awareness and inner evaluation. It’s my ultimate goal to heal the cycle, thank you so much for acknowledging that chain is over.❤️!

      Liked by 1 person

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